It’s a little melancholy and certainly, I think, not my best work, but the following, “Like a Brother,” is my piece for today. Any suggestions? Post away.
Classic Friendship.
I am your prisoner,
the aluminum cage is as grating as your flesh–
torture, I see, in each crossing of your legs,
deliberate porcelain tactics, smoothing out the cause
as your apartment beckons.
The car, idling in reverse, waits
as I smile into my sentence, hands shaking
as I execute the timeless dance.
No other can compare, my lips sing praise unto thy beauty,
but if your ears hear it, your lips pretend,
deliberately pursing, calculated condescension
as you remind of the value of a friend–
turn head and flee into your night.
I sit, stupidly watching, that valued friendship fly
into another’s arms, waiting for the look –
and no look –
No, stupid, no – she doesn’t care –
love, that brother’s love spells
an end to love, no lust tonight–
soul shrinks at heart’s bite.
* My latest contribution to the wonderful One Shot Poetry Wednesdays! Once you’ve had a look, check out some of the other One Shot Poets as well–they’re a skilled bunch of poets, with a strong and supportive community. Enjoy! And while you’re at it – vote for us in the Shorty Awards…we have a chance to take Number 1 in Art!
The friend who loved a friend. Nice poem Chris “soul shrinks at hearts bite”, what a sucker punch at the end there! Poor thing, I want to give him a hug!
ok you asked for it…
no need for all the as…
think minimalist
good piece my friend
uh yep…i like it…its a feeling i think many of us can relate to…esp when they fall into the arms of another that we know is no good for them…of maybe its just our heart breaking…
tragic that Julie/Gopher relationship
Wait…
are you even old enough to get a Love Boat reference?
Well done
Haha…nope, I’m afraid not. Know what Love Boat is…but all references therein would be sadly lost on me!
Eh, she doesn’t know what she’s missing, that much is clear!
Aarrgghh… it’s quite hard to watch a relationship just slide by… and even worse to watch it prosper in the hands of another…
I like the way you expressed it here, Chris… honest and straight from the heart!
“deliberate porcelain tactics” — that was really good! One may try to make things appear shiny and smooth, but the rough edges do surface, and will ever stay unpleasant!
A very well written piece, mon ami…
Some beautifully placed slant rhymes in this Chris and some fantastic phrasing – ‘deliberate porcelain tactics’ is just delicious. My one suggestion would be to break it up a little, it needs a little breathing space between the thoughts/images otherwise the reader has no time to savour before moving on to the next, which would be a shame in a piece with so many tasty morsels.
*nods* Seems to be the common consensus. Does seem a little…crammed, I suppose, in places. Like I was trying to rush a point. Got to ease it out a bit more. I think once I fiddle around with it a bit more I’ll post it to Facial Expressions, see what the other happy poets have to say on it, too. Thanks!
I thought you painted a very clear and clean picture of a difficult situation, made an excellent poem out of it…the girl seems so tuned out, perfectly drawn, I recognize the feeling the writer has of pouring it all out in front of what might as well be a stone…only thing I noticed was the end was a bit erratic feeling, with the word stupidly earlier maybe the no stupid no is a bit over the top, but that may have been what you were going for.
(also a typo on “watching”)
I certainly wouldn’t feel like this was any kind of inferior work, though–it’s a solid piece.
Thanks for catching the typo! Somehow the WordPress spell-check didn’t catch that before I published. Silly internet. I’ll consider the overuse of stupidly, ponder giving it a little tweak for effect. And thank you for the kind words – given the reaction from folks, yes, I think I may reconsider my opening words about it…heh.
“Waiting for the look – and no look” Sorry for his pain but this actually made me smile. His luck’s bound to get better. It already has; he’s better without this one Hearts do heal.
I enjoyed your poem. I also tried reading it Moondustwriter’s way. I think it worked as well. Forgot no as..
You’re too hard on yourself. It’s solid, lots of great imagery, but I think in places you over-thought it, forced it -perhaps, like the relationship. So the flow wasn’t like your other work.
Go with the flow my friend, and write on. 😉
Thanks Heather! The forced sensation seems to be the general consensus…that I might have crammed thoughts together especially, might be more potent with a little breathing room. Gonna see if I can’t adjust the flow a bit, get it more to my liking. See where it takes me.
Some very beautiful phrases …
Aww!!! I could feel the pain in your words, Chris. Of desires unfulfilled and a love (or is it lust) left unaccounted for or turned into platonic friendship… I could see that pain in your verse… I hope… some one spl reads it… too 😉
ॐ नमः शिवाय
Om Namah Shivaya
http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com/2011/02/whispers-another-kind-of-valentines-day.html
‘calculated condescension’ and ‘deliberate porcelain tactics’ – both wonderful. Nice writing, I enjoyed reading.
You know how I FEEL about the poem. You’re not stupid, the girl was… and I wanna punch her in her stupid pixie face. 😛 But regardless, the poem IS pretty solid, just needs a few words tweaked to make it flow more evenly. Personally I’d change the and in “and no look” to a but…. And soften Stupidly… Maybe change it to dumbly, give it multiple meanings? (you know me and my love for ambiguity…) Do you NEED the extra syllable there? And I’d add two sylables to the last line. “soul shrinks away” “soul shrinks in pain” “soul shrinks in fear”, ect…
There… My most humble and inexpert constructive critisism. 🙂
Hm. Dumbly or numbly would work, slightly different sensation to each…ponder ponder…I concur with the last line too. “But” no look would work…I also think I’m going to adjust the flow a little bit to the piece at large. Seems to be general consensus and was the feeling I had even when I was staring it on the screen myself. Doesn’t move with the same nature that many of my works do.
Thank ya Kila! Sound advice.
Nothing wrong with this one, Chris. I feel the anxiety, the frustration, the longing, suffering a love unrequited. One of your best, in fact.
hi Chris– I agree that this is very strong. I don’t know about using the word lust when you’ve relied so well on the image to convey your meaning– perhaps show desire at the end– or thwarted desire– I like the inversions here– “you turned head” where one might expect turn tail– and agree with the other comments! you are very gifted– rely on that gift in all weathers. xxxJenne’
I liked this a lot! The tweeking and minor changes that others already mentioned I agree with…working on the flow by experimenting with different line breaks is where I would start. Let us know if you post any revisions 🙂
i like it chris – some excellent imagery and deep, honest emotions..agree with the breathing space cause there’s a lot to think and feel – and this needs room..
I like “soul shrinks at heart’s bite.”
I think he got off lucky…
Poor guy!
You’re spot on with this poem.
That’s exactly what it feels like.
Oh, I had to read this three times, duh! I almost sent you a link to a blog I’d read on the loss of a brother!
Worry not, when I stopped pushing at it and just read it, it burst through like a ray of light.
It’s very good. I remember at sixteen, having been kissed for the very first time professing unconditional love, finding her on my best friends lap, down at the disco the day after. Hello.
It’ a delicately crafted piece, I enjoyed it.
You depicted that feeling so well…
ransom
Oh…the melancholy of heartache…this is excrutiating! You are spot on with capturing the emotional climate of a situation…suggestions?
Go back through and see what words are necessary…and which words/lines clutter the moment…
Filter the moment to the essential core…which you are amazing at!
Dig it, as always, my friend!
“The car, idling in reverse, waits” This is a great line – it is a great concrete image that sets the scene and the moment. Nicely done 🙂
Wonderful, mood-efficacious work.