* A work in progress – critique welcome!
Broad strokes, bedside
broached the topic of
wedded blasphemy,
through bygone whispers
renovated in bravado,
battered with the blue breeze
bloody braggarts call carnal bastardization.
An immigration of conscience
instituted something like incontinence.
Winged Aphrodite pulled hormones
through the shaft of her soul,
but ringed Bast barred in gold;
lovers circled bane and bust,
but the band bonded true—
like a shadow, lust, pulled
through the needle of love’s eye.
The Waking Den 
there are a ton of B words in there…ha…nice allit, maybe a bit over the top…lines i like…
An immigration of conscience
instituted something like incontinence.
and
pulled like a needle through love’s eye
nice bit of rhyme as well…i like it chris….
Indeed…thanks for noting that. I had quite the “b” trend going for a while there! Thanks for sharing the bits you particularly enjoyed, too, Brian.
“like a shadow, lust, pulled through the needles of love’s eye” very nice, Chris. I like it a lot. 🙂
“bloody braggarts call carnal bastardization”
Really like that line, a fine piece, I find nothing wrong. Enjoyed it through and through. But I’m a rhyming loon, so what do I know..haha
Heh, thought you might enjoy it Pat; you and your crazy cat…
“battered with blue breeze” –one of those rare and magical lines i wish I’d written–I like the flow and the rather barbed attitude, as well as the alliteration, and the concluding line cinches up the five or six before neatly. Good stuff, Chris. Also glad i found your photography blog through twitter–you have some amazing photos up there. (I see it’s also on your sidebar—duh.)
Ah-ha! Very good – glad to hear you’ve enjoyed some of my photos too, my friend. Hoping one of these days I get stuff good enough people go, “Oh, Chris, I simply must buy it and have you frame it and…etc.etc.” *grins* A photographer in his up-and-coming independence can only hope.
Glad you enjoyed the piece – you’re sure the alliteration isn’t over the top, though? That had been one of my fears, I must confess, and several hear seem to echo that thought…
I find this quite a compelling write Chris, one that took me back through the read several times, always a sign of a great poem in my book.
“lovers circled bane and bust,
but the band bonded true—
like a shadow, lust, pulled
through the needle of love’s eye.”
really loved this closing bit. Always enjoy your words Chris! ~ Rose
…so far i find it really nice and appealing already… i like your many careful references here… now, go and work for the next mister… great shot!
I quite liked this, too. I certainly don’t have a critique for you. I do think this is full of raw emotion, and I also think you captured your theme here. You also did a wonderful job of painting the picture in my head. I could see the seduction and resistance in my mind. Well done 🙂
😛 Fight the lust!…heh, glad you enjoyed it Lori. Thanks for the kind words.
…lust, pulled
through the needle of love’s eye…dang…tight closure chris..think that’s the most unusual sex poem i’ve ever read…if i get it right…
More of getting close to sex…it is a war of/on lust, the battle to stay true to certain bonds…
Yeah…like I’M going to offer critique to YOU? Don’t think so poet! Thought this wonderful, powerful, just as it is…and my imagination had a field day with your words.
*grins* I’m honored. Glad you enjoyed it…and hope your imagination’s field day has brought only good things to your mind’s eye 😉
Really like this Chris, so much so that I’m going to pull it to shreds in a line by line….just kidding. A few thoughts though. As Brian mentioned I think you have overdone the alliteration a little. It’s one of those poetic devices that works best when it’s so subtle you barely notice it so I’ve made a few suggestions for alternatives. Some redundant phrasing also so a trim here and there perhaps. See what you think, chuck anything you hate.
Broad strokes, bedside[,]
[broached] the topic of [an opportunity to use a more interesting word/phrase here I think, ‘tapered into’ perhaps? Would juxtapose nicely with ‘Broad strokes’]
wedded blasphemy,
through bygone whispers
renovated in bravado,
[battered] with the blue breeze [rattled] [;]
[bloody braggarts call] carnal bastardization. [cut] [stanza break]
An immigration of conscience
instituted [something like] incontinence. [cut]
Winged Aphrodite pulled hormones
through the shaft of her soul, [love this]
but ringed Bast barred in gold; [mixing your mythology here but as it’s a comparison I think you can get away with it]
lovers circled bane and bust,
but the band [bonded[ true— [‘fused’ perhaps, would give you some assonance with true]
like a shadow, lust, pulled
through the needle of [love’s] eye. {I’d be tempted to use a replacement for ‘love’s]
Which would give you
Broad strokes, bedside,
tapered into the topic of
wedded blasphemy,
through bygone whispers
renovated in bravado,
rattled with the blue breeze;
carnal bastardization.
An immigration of conscience
instituted incontinence.
Winged Aphrodite pulled hormones
through the shaft of her soul,
but ringed Bast barred in gold;
lovers circled bane and bust,
but the band fused true—
like a shadow, lust, pulled
through the needle of adoration’s eye.
Hope that helps Chris. If you have pieces you want to hone, come and post them on the FEPC board. You really will get some great feedback and critique from a variety of poets. It would be great to have your input on there as well.
Wow! Now that’s a comprehensive help. Goodness, thanks Carys. The alliteration, I must confess, was one of my biggest worries/hang backs on the piece myself going into the posting. Was hemming and hawing about changing, so to see several others have caught onto that as well certainly hammers the point in my own mind. I also do like the split – moving it into two distinct stanzas. I think it makes the work stand out more and gives its lines a touch more power…not something I would have caught in my own edits though, so thank you on that one. The delivery, I think, will certainly be helped by it.
And in terms of FEPC, thanks for the reminder. I know you’ve got a great bunch of folks over there…had one of my works critiqued there once. I just never get around to doing more of it for some reason. Bad Poet-Chris, I know! I need to get on that.
(And P.S. Thanks for throwing it which lines you loved and such as well with your critique! Brought lots of smiles with the contemplation.)
Oh, and a point on the mythology – I know Bast and Aphrodite are pulled from two different mythologies, but I actually did that purposefully, as I felt it further emphasized the divide in thought. I.E. The battle of the characters’ lust vs. the bonds of love/marriage….two thoughts so greatly opposed here it seemed only appropriate to draw upon not only two different gods to portray them, but two different mythologies as well.
Chris,
After reading the piece and all the comments…
You convincingly convey betrayal and distrust, and a lack of faith in marriage, in fidelity.
I found the alliteration a bit much, too. I also wanted it to be a bit less forced, less complicated.
That said, you are a master of imagery and allusion. You pull history and mythology into the bedroom and assure us that all are connected, intertwined.
I enjoyed this.
Thank you for the kind words Kim, and for the read – I hardly think I’m a master of anything, but that you would offer such praise means the world. As I’ve noted to Carys and Brian, yes, the alliteration had been one of my concerns as well, so to have numerous people in agreement on that…solidifies that point in my mind. Will definitely go to work on that.
I am curious, though, as to what you mean by “less complicated”? Could you expand on that a bit?
By less complicated, I mean this: You are quite adept at allusion, imagery and inference. You use those skills deftly, but as I reader, I sometimes want reprieve from figuring it out, I want you to simply say what you mean. Balance is as important as device.
There is a lot of good here, but I think I would pull back a bit on the alliteration. It starts distracting the reader from the words themselves.
Will do! Thanks for the read.
Chris,
I love it as it is. It is a persons’s context of situations experienced that determined the end product. It is unique to you when you penned your thoughts at those particular moments. Of course those who extended suggestions for changes should not be disregarded. It is an education for subsequent offerings. Great thoughts!.